Friday, 4 June 2010
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Saturday, 15 May 2010
And then in the evening I went to my friend Toni's wedding. When I was at secondary school Toni was my best friend, we were thick as thieves for years! She was always very quiet though, whereas I was more outgoing, maybe because of my weight issues, I don't know. But in the last few years she's really developed and she's so confident and outgoing, and stunning to look at! She looked absolutely amazing, and her husband is really good looking, and I'm so pleased she's happy, she deserves to be, but I can't help but again be totally jealous.
Pretty much all of my friends have babies or husbands or partners and hardly any of them live at home, and then there's me.
I still live at home with my mother, I've been single for over 3 years and I'm not even close to being happy with my life.
I feel like my friends are all adults with proper lives and responsibilities and I'm no better off than I was back at school, still in pretty much the same situation.
Granted I've got the education not all of my friends have, but it hasn't really helped as far as getting a job is concerned, and I just feel useless.
Sunday, 9 May 2010
I went on that date on friday with the cadet I had previously mentioned, we just went to a pub in Southampton. It didn't start well because I was half an hour late due to my lack of organisation and traffic issues!
He seemed nice enough and we got on pretty well, conversation flowed pretty well although towards the end there were quite a few awkward silences. About 9pm (I'd been there an hour and a half) he said he didn't want to stay too much longer as he had course work to do, but I happened to notice he'd been not so secretly looking at his phone before he told me this, so chances are he'd had a better offer.
So I left and went home, pretty unsure as to how it all went. We got on, but it lacked the spark I was hoping for. I decided to just send him a text saying thanks and that I'd had a good time and see what happened from there, it's now been a day and a half since, and no reply, so I guess that is the end of that!
In the long run it's probably for the best it didn't work out, I can't cope with anything long distance, and I'd have struggled waiting 6 months for him to come back to work things out, but part of me is just a little bit gutted that he didn't reply to my text. Not because I wanted anything more from him, but to feel just a little bit wanted, like that he wasn't totally repulsed by me.
I have deleted my dating profile, and don't intend to go back on there until I am at least in the 14's, I can't face going through all the uncertainty of whether or not a man can cope with my weight, and I'd rather wait until I have a bit more confidence in myself.
I have learnt some valuable lessons from this, that I am stronger than to get too upset and consumed by one man who clearly isn't right for me, and that I can keep hold of my dignity. In the past I have been all too quick to jump into bed with men I meet on the internet and living to regret it, but I feel a great sense of pride that I have grown up from that and I have a lot more self respect.
Monday, 3 May 2010
In any case I was having trouble making arrangements about when and where to meet, he was being a bit illusive, and wouldn't give me a time or place. And then low and behold he text me on saturday night saying he needed to cancel. His excuse was that he'd heard his friend's long term boyfriend had been cheating on her and he needed to go and make sure she was OK.
I was pretty annoyed because I was looking forward to it, and his pretty flippant attitude about it, which he has carried on with since.
My friends are all telling me to give him another chance, but I'm just angry and I feel like I deserve so much better than anything I'll get from him, he doesn't seem to want to fight for me, I'll be trying to talk to him via text and he'll just say goodbye.
I just don't know what to do!
Friday, 30 April 2010
I'm keeping up with the exercise which is definitely helping, and I've asked mum to start taking photos of me, so I can keep a more accurate track of the loss.
As far as the guy goes, I was pleased to see that he still wants to meet up, and thanked me for telling him. He also said it was good that I was doing something about my weight, as most people wouldn't, which sort of spurred me on.
The only problem is I'm not sure if I want to meet him any more! He's a cadet in the merchant navy, so will be spending vast amounts of time away, and I'm not sure if I can cope with that. We've arranged to meet up on sunday but part of me is wondering whether I should bother or not. I'm scared I'm going to really like him and have to make a decision about whether or not I can wait for him. He's going away in 3 weeks time, so I won't even have a long time to get to know him. Because I've been single so long part of me thinks it's better not to bother and carry on being single and wait for someone who can be with me a lot more often than he can. I just don't know! I guess I'll have to meet him and see what happens!
Monday, 26 April 2010
But he seems to be a bit persistant and asked me again last night. I'm really starting to feel a connection with him, so it left me with a bit of a dilema. I didn't want to meet him with him thinking I'll look exactly like my photo, as it's not really doing either of us any favours, and I'd really hate to be misled so I felt it was best to be open with him and explain I'm overweight.
So I finally plucked up the courage and told him that I've got a weight problem but that I'm sorting it with exercise. I wanted to use it apart from anything else as a getout clause for him, so that if fat people aren't his thing he doesn't have to go through the awkwardness of meeting me and being disappointed.
I really hope he'll see the person past the weight, but I'm trying to be realistic and brace myself for the fact he won't be interested.
It's hard because this is the first time in a long time I've put my heart on the line, but if I don't take risks I won't ever get what I want!
Watch this space I guess...
Sunday, 25 April 2010
So I went home and text my other friend telling her I'd seen this girl and that I wasn't coming, and she asked me why not and it just became too much for me, and I broke down in tears. I struggle with depression as it is, and it seems to get a lot worse around the end of the month, and it all got to me. But as always with these things I go to sleep and I feel a lot better in the morning, and thought that was going to be the end of it.
But then I saw my friend at church and she said there wasn't going to be that many people there, and they were all people I knew, so I started to think about changing my mind. My mind was changed when I saw the other girl in Sainsburys (always meeting in supermarkets!) and I told her I couldn't come, but then right after I realised I need to get out more, I seem to suffer from a bit of aggrophobia with social situations, and it might be fun to have a nice night out with some friends and not have to do the whole drinking thing, so I text my friend and told her to tell the other girl I'd like to come. Plus I thought I might end up making friends with the other single girl there, because that's what I want as much as a man at the moment, some new friends to meet up and have fun with.
I was really pleased I'd made this decision and started looking up what I was going to eat so I could still stay on track with my points, and getting really excited about going out! And low and behold I got a text from my friend saying the other girl had pulled out and the girl whose birthday it was had said it was better I didn't come and we meet up another time.
To say I was crushed is somewhat of an understatement. I was hurt that they excluded me like that just because I didn't have a boyfriend, especially when they knew how much I've been hurting recently because I really want to find someone, but I feel like my weight is holding me back, that and my lack of getting out to meet people.
Most of my lonliness has been covered in previous posts so I won't go into it, but I feel like I can't really talk to my friend about being lonely, she's been with her boyfriend since she was about 17 so she doesn't understand what it's like to be on your own like this.
I know this is a lot of self indulgent whinging, but it's all part of my life and my battles, and it has a lot of an effect on my weight, I often find comfort in food, but this time I'm determined to shed the weight to find love!
Saturday, 24 April 2010
I did something last week I've never done in my life before, I exercised every single day last week! I did a combination of aqua classes and gym, and it took a lot out of me, but I was so pleased that I did! I felt a great sense of achievement, like I was taking the first steps to get my life back on track.
When I lost weight before I seemed to lose pretty much every week, and decent amounts too, and that doesn't seem to be happening this time. I stick to the diet and I stay the same, or sometimes even gain weight!
Maybe it is the exercise stopping me from losing the actual pounds on the scale, I don't know, but what I do know is that I am getting more and more frustrated with being stuck in the 16s!
Once I get out of the 16's I know I'll feel I'm finally getting somewhere with this, rather than floating around in limbo all the time, and I'm frustrated that exercising seems to have the opposite effect to what I want!
I'm keeping up the exercise this week, hoping that eventually I'll have a nice big loss which will help keep my morale up!
I think the main problem is that I know doing the exercise is doing me good, but I need a reward I can see, I can prove, rather than just believing that I'm getting there.
Saturday, 17 April 2010
I'm sort of worried that when I go back to work I'll end up losing my new found motivation to go to the gym, I really hope it won't, but the long hours and the stress of everyone getting to me makes me lazy. I guess I just have to fight through it and try and do as much exercise as I can, then once I get into a routine I should be able to do it a lot easier.
I found that I can still do 2 aqua classes on tuesday and thursday evenings and another on a sunday evening so I won't have to give that up, which I think will be a big help, I need something regular to keep me focused.
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
I had a bit of a slack day on saturday but I hit the ground running and stuck to the diet from sunday morning, other than a bar of choc mum bought back, but I'd been to the gym and had about 10 points spare so I don't think it hit me too much. But since then I've stuck to it, weighed and counted everything, and I'm proud of myself for doing so, because I often struggle!
But, and I know I shouldn't, but I've been sneak peeking at my weight every morning, excited to see how much I've lost, and sadly the numbers aren't coming down like I was hoping.
Because I'm on holiday I'm giving it a major push with the exercise, I have the motivation to go to the gym because I'm not exhausted from work, and I'm pushing myself, whilst at the same tme sticking to the diet.
I'm really hoping for a loss this week, or at least an STS, I know I didn't weigh last week which will mess everything up slightly, and the fact I ate a lot on holiday still needs to be taken into consideration, but I've been struggling for weeks to lose anything, and I REALLY need a loss to get me back on track.
A few weeks ago I tracked and counted everything all week and went to the gym, but ended up staying the same, and I was crushed, especially because my mum managed to lose, it was only the second time I've cried at a WI, but I was really frustrated, and almost felt like giving up, and I'm worried that the same is going to happen this week.
I've also dropped my points as I'm not working so not so active during the day, and I'm really hoping for something good, I so need it this week! I've been stuck in this 16 and a half stone rutt for so long and I just want out of it!
Sunday, 11 April 2010
So I've recently joined another dating site again, against my better judgement. I've had a bit of a love hate relationship with them over the years, when I was younger I relied on them, but that was when I was in the 14st bracket and about 18 and I looked a lot better than I do now!
The main reason I joined is because at the end of this month I'll have been single for 3 years, and that fact kills me. I've had flings ever since, but nothing serious, and nothing for the last 8 months, and when I was sitting with my best friend Daniel (pictured above) I realised how much I miss the closeness of having someone else and being in a relationship.
Now the main problem I have with dating sites is this: the first picture is the sort of picture I'd post on a dating site, and the second is a more realistic view of what I look like. Admittedly the top picture is about a year old but it's the best example I have of me being dolled up and taking pictures in more flattering angles. I don't know about anyone else but I personally don't want to put 'bad' pictures of me up, and therein lies the problem.
It makes for a bit of a dilema, if I put a realistic picture of me up I know nobody would even be interested, but if I put one of the better angled pictures up then I get men talking to me left right and centre, but I know inside I'm misleading them, and then when I get to meet them in real life and they see the real me, they are often disappointed and sometimes annoyed, and I can't say I blame them. It's frustrating when you meet someone in real life who is nothing like you thought they'd be.
But now I've been talking to a lovely guy from nearby, and he's asking to see more pictures (he's only seen the top one) and I'm faced with a choice. Part of me is thinking I should take some realistic pictures so he can see 'all' of me, but then if he rejects me I'm going to feel crushed, or I can keep stretching the truth and risk losing him if I ever met him.
I'm thinking maybe I should just give up with the sites again, until I've lost a bit more weight and feel more comfortable with my appearance, but at the same time I really want to meet someone, not necessarily in real life but just someone to talk to, to feel wanted and special, even if it's not in real life just yet.
The problem is I'd show him the real pictures and explain I'm in the middle of losing weight, but 9 times out of 10 a man wouldn't care about that, and I know it's true that if he can't like me for who I am he's not worth it, but at the same time the rejection is the last thing I need when I'm so lonely as it is.
I just don't know what to do any more, and I'm not really looking for answers from anyone, I just needed to get it all off my chest.
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Mother and I are going for a nice lunch tomorrow in the New Forest for mothers day, I'm going to try and be as good as I can though, because I want to try and lose every week if I can, even if it's only half a pound, it's still taking me that one step closer to my goal!
Monday, 8 March 2010
Monday, 1 March 2010
I'm hoping to take my next one soon, when I get to my 10% goal of 15st 12 lbs, still got just under a stone, but I'm being very good and focused at the moment, so I'm hoping this week for a good solid loss to take me into the mid 16's and on the way to my goal!
Sunday, 7 February 2010
So I've decided something really needs to change! A lot has happened since September, I finally managed to get a job, working in a secondary school, which I really love as it's giving me the chance to do new things and meet new people, and I'm pretty much my own boss! So because of that I'm now earning money, I finally bought my own car, and I'm making some new friends! No men as of yet, but I guess it can't all happen at once!
So this week I'm making yet another change! I'm going to a different WW group with a different leader. I've been struggling for months and always felt I had little support from my leader, I partly don't blame her because I've been starting and stopping with her since I was about 17, so I guess she's sort of given up on me, but that's really not what I need, I'm desparate for some encouragement and motivation, not someone who has given up on me before I've even started!
My current goal at the moment is to get out of the dreaded 16's, I've been stuck in them since August, and am at the heaviest I've been for a while, since I put on half a stone I'd spent so long trying to lose before christmas, so I've now lost just over a stone again, and I'm desparate to lose my christmas weight.
I'd love to be able to wear dresses and short sleeved tops by the summer, and not feel embarassed, so I need to get focused again, and get back to the gym!