Sunday, 25 April 2010

What a morale killer...

So I ran into a friend on friday in Asda, someone I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. We still get on pretty well, although don't really have a lot of contact other than when I see her at Asda as she works there, but she's still good friends with another of my friends. Anyway she mentioned to me that she was going out for dinner for her birthday this week and that I should come. I originally said no, as she had said that it was going to be a couples thing, as it was the first time she and most her friends had boyfriends, and I don't currently have a boyfriend, and have been single for 3 years (the 'anniversary' of that being this week) so I didn't particularly want to be playing gooseberry.

So I went home and text my other friend telling her I'd seen this girl and that I wasn't coming, and she asked me why not and it just became too much for me, and I broke down in tears. I struggle with depression as it is, and it seems to get a lot worse around the end of the month, and it all got to me. But as always with these things I go to sleep and I feel a lot better in the morning, and thought that was going to be the end of it.

But then I saw my friend at church and she said there wasn't going to be that many people there, and they were all people I knew, so I started to think about changing my mind. My mind was changed when I saw the other girl in Sainsburys (always meeting in supermarkets!) and I told her I couldn't come, but then right after I realised I need to get out more, I seem to suffer from a bit of aggrophobia with social situations, and it might be fun to have a nice night out with some friends and not have to do the whole drinking thing, so I text my friend and told her to tell the other girl I'd like to come. Plus I thought I might end up making friends with the other single girl there, because that's what I want as much as a man at the moment, some new friends to meet up and have fun with.

I was really pleased I'd made this decision and started looking up what I was going to eat so I could still stay on track with my points, and getting really excited about going out! And low and behold I got a text from my friend saying the other girl had pulled out and the girl whose birthday it was had said it was better I didn't come and we meet up another time.

To say I was crushed is somewhat of an understatement. I was hurt that they excluded me like that just because I didn't have a boyfriend, especially when they knew how much I've been hurting recently because I really want to find someone, but I feel like my weight is holding me back, that and my lack of getting out to meet people.

Most of my lonliness has been covered in previous posts so I won't go into it, but I feel like I can't really talk to my friend about being lonely, she's been with her boyfriend since she was about 17 so she doesn't understand what it's like to be on your own like this.

I know this is a lot of self indulgent whinging, but it's all part of my life and my battles, and it has a lot of an effect on my weight, I often find comfort in food, but this time I'm determined to shed the weight to find love!

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