Times aren't so good, but I carry on, because I've got no choice.

Feeling left behind

Yesterday I caught up with a few old friends. Firstly my friend Katie who I've known since I was at college, I went over to Portsmouth and met up with her. She's got a gorgeous little boy called Max, who is now 7 months old. I freely admit I feel so jealous! I'd love to have a little baby of my own, but it's somewhere that I'm really not within my life at the moment.

And then in the evening I went to my friend Toni's wedding. When I was at secondary school Toni was my best friend, we were thick as thieves for years! She was always very quiet though, whereas I was more outgoing, maybe because of my weight issues, I don't know. But in the last few years she's really developed and she's so confident and outgoing, and stunning to look at! She looked absolutely amazing, and her husband is really good looking, and I'm so pleased she's happy, she deserves to be, but I can't help but again be totally jealous.

Pretty much all of my friends have babies or husbands or partners and hardly any of them live at home, and then there's me.

I still live at home with my mother, I've been single for over 3 years and I'm not even close to being happy with my life.

I feel like my friends are all adults with proper lives and responsibilities and I'm no better off than I was back at school, still in pretty much the same situation.

Granted I've got the education not all of my friends have, but it hasn't really helped as far as getting a job is concerned, and I just feel useless.

So I went on that date...

First of all I realise I haven't done an update after my weigh in, but that will come eventually!

I went on that date on friday with the cadet I had previously mentioned, we just went to a pub in Southampton. It didn't start well because I was half an hour late due to my lack of organisation and traffic issues!

He seemed nice enough and we got on pretty well, conversation flowed pretty well although towards the end there were quite a few awkward silences. About 9pm (I'd been there an hour and a half) he said he didn't want to stay too much longer as he had course work to do, but I happened to notice he'd been not so secretly looking at his phone before he told me this, so chances are he'd had a better offer.

So I left and went home, pretty unsure as to how it all went. We got on, but it lacked the spark I was hoping for. I decided to just send him a text saying thanks and that I'd had a good time and see what happened from there, it's now been a day and a half since, and no reply, so I guess that is the end of that!

In the long run it's probably for the best it didn't work out, I can't cope with anything long distance, and I'd have struggled waiting 6 months for him to come back to work things out, but part of me is just a little bit gutted that he didn't reply to my text. Not because I wanted anything more from him, but to feel just a little bit wanted, like that he wasn't totally repulsed by me.

I have deleted my dating profile, and don't intend to go back on there until I am at least in the 14's, I can't face going through all the uncertainty of whether or not a man can cope with my weight, and I'd rather wait until I have a bit more confidence in myself.

I have learnt some valuable lessons from this, that I am stronger than to get too upset and consumed by one man who clearly isn't right for me, and that I can keep hold of my dignity. In the past I have been all too quick to jump into bed with men I meet on the internet and living to regret it, but I feel a great sense of pride that I have grown up from that and I have a lot more self respect.

Ugh men!

So I was supposed to be going on a date with this cadet on sunday, which I was already feeling somewhat skeptical about due to the fact he's off to sea soon and won't be back for about 6 months, and I want a long term relationship with someone I can spend a lot of time with, and I don't think that I could cope very well being with someone who spends vast amounts of time away, I'm just far too jealous and possessive, I know it's bad but I am, and I just can't do it!

In any case I was having trouble making arrangements about when and where to meet, he was being a bit illusive, and wouldn't give me a time or place. And then low and behold he text me on saturday night saying he needed to cancel. His excuse was that he'd heard his friend's long term boyfriend had been cheating on her and he needed to go and make sure she was OK.

I was pretty annoyed because I was looking forward to it, and his pretty flippant attitude about it, which he has carried on with since.

My friends are all telling me to give him another chance, but I'm just angry and I feel like I deserve so much better than anything I'll get from him, he doesn't seem to want to fight for me, I'll be trying to talk to him via text and he'll just say goodbye.

I just don't know what to do!