Friday, 30 April 2010

WI Result - 29/4/10 and a few other updates!

Right so this week at WI I managed to lose 2lbs! Pretty pleased with that as it's taking me one step closer to getting out of the dreaded 16's! I'm down to 16st 3lbs which is half a pound away from my 1 and a half stone, and a pound away from what I was before christmas, the lowest I've been since I was about 21! I'm really pushing for it, and I know I'm going to be celebrating big time when I finally manage to break through into the 15's! I remember the last time I was in the 15's, and I'd just turned 21, so I'm hoping to be back into the 15's or dare I say it even into the 14's by my 24th birthday at the end of July!

I'm keeping up with the exercise which is definitely helping, and I've asked mum to start taking photos of me, so I can keep a more accurate track of the loss.

As far as the guy goes, I was pleased to see that he still wants to meet up, and thanked me for telling him. He also said it was good that I was doing something about my weight, as most people wouldn't, which sort of spurred me on.

The only problem is I'm not sure if I want to meet him any more! He's a cadet in the merchant navy, so will be spending vast amounts of time away, and I'm not sure if I can cope with that. We've arranged to meet up on sunday but part of me is wondering whether I should bother or not. I'm scared I'm going to really like him and have to make a decision about whether or not I can wait for him. He's going away in 3 weeks time, so I won't even have a long time to get to know him. Because I've been single so long part of me thinks it's better not to bother and carry on being single and wait for someone who can be with me a lot more often than he can. I just don't know! I guess I'll have to meet him and see what happens!

Monday, 26 April 2010

Taken a huge risk

So I've been talking to a guy online that I met on an online dating site for a few weeks. I've been getting on really well with him, we seem to understand each other and have a lot in common. A week or two ago he asked me to meet up with him, and I said no. I said no because as already mentioned the picture on my profile is a nice one, and I don't want to turn up looking like me and for him to be disappointed.

But he seems to be a bit persistant and asked me again last night. I'm really starting to feel a connection with him, so it left me with a bit of a dilema. I didn't want to meet him with him thinking I'll look exactly like my photo, as it's not really doing either of us any favours, and I'd really hate to be misled so I felt it was best to be open with him and explain I'm overweight.

So I finally plucked up the courage and told him that I've got a weight problem but that I'm sorting it with exercise. I wanted to use it apart from anything else as a getout clause for him, so that if fat people aren't his thing he doesn't have to go through the awkwardness of meeting me and being disappointed.

I really hope he'll see the person past the weight, but I'm trying to be realistic and brace myself for the fact he won't be interested.

It's hard because this is the first time in a long time I've put my heart on the line, but if I don't take risks I won't ever get what I want!

Watch this space I guess...

Sunday, 25 April 2010

What a morale killer...

So I ran into a friend on friday in Asda, someone I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. We still get on pretty well, although don't really have a lot of contact other than when I see her at Asda as she works there, but she's still good friends with another of my friends. Anyway she mentioned to me that she was going out for dinner for her birthday this week and that I should come. I originally said no, as she had said that it was going to be a couples thing, as it was the first time she and most her friends had boyfriends, and I don't currently have a boyfriend, and have been single for 3 years (the 'anniversary' of that being this week) so I didn't particularly want to be playing gooseberry.

So I went home and text my other friend telling her I'd seen this girl and that I wasn't coming, and she asked me why not and it just became too much for me, and I broke down in tears. I struggle with depression as it is, and it seems to get a lot worse around the end of the month, and it all got to me. But as always with these things I go to sleep and I feel a lot better in the morning, and thought that was going to be the end of it.

But then I saw my friend at church and she said there wasn't going to be that many people there, and they were all people I knew, so I started to think about changing my mind. My mind was changed when I saw the other girl in Sainsburys (always meeting in supermarkets!) and I told her I couldn't come, but then right after I realised I need to get out more, I seem to suffer from a bit of aggrophobia with social situations, and it might be fun to have a nice night out with some friends and not have to do the whole drinking thing, so I text my friend and told her to tell the other girl I'd like to come. Plus I thought I might end up making friends with the other single girl there, because that's what I want as much as a man at the moment, some new friends to meet up and have fun with.

I was really pleased I'd made this decision and started looking up what I was going to eat so I could still stay on track with my points, and getting really excited about going out! And low and behold I got a text from my friend saying the other girl had pulled out and the girl whose birthday it was had said it was better I didn't come and we meet up another time.

To say I was crushed is somewhat of an understatement. I was hurt that they excluded me like that just because I didn't have a boyfriend, especially when they knew how much I've been hurting recently because I really want to find someone, but I feel like my weight is holding me back, that and my lack of getting out to meet people.

Most of my lonliness has been covered in previous posts so I won't go into it, but I feel like I can't really talk to my friend about being lonely, she's been with her boyfriend since she was about 17 so she doesn't understand what it's like to be on your own like this.

I know this is a lot of self indulgent whinging, but it's all part of my life and my battles, and it has a lot of an effect on my weight, I often find comfort in food, but this time I'm determined to shed the weight to find love!

Saturday, 24 April 2010

WI Result - 22/4/10

I lost again this week! Only half a pound, but I'm please nevertheless!

I did something last week I've never done in my life before, I exercised every single day last week! I did a combination of aqua classes and gym, and it took a lot out of me, but I was so pleased that I did! I felt a great sense of achievement, like I was taking the first steps to get my life back on track.

When I lost weight before I seemed to lose pretty much every week, and decent amounts too, and that doesn't seem to be happening this time. I stick to the diet and I stay the same, or sometimes even gain weight!

Maybe it is the exercise stopping me from losing the actual pounds on the scale, I don't know, but what I do know is that I am getting more and more frustrated with being stuck in the 16s!

Once I get out of the 16's I know I'll feel I'm finally getting somewhere with this, rather than floating around in limbo all the time, and I'm frustrated that exercising seems to have the opposite effect to what I want!

I'm keeping up the exercise this week, hoping that eventually I'll have a nice big loss which will help keep my morale up!

I think the main problem is that I know doing the exercise is doing me good, but I need a reward I can see, I can prove, rather than just believing that I'm getting there.

Saturday, 17 April 2010

WI Result 15/4/10

So this week I actually managed to lose some weight! I lost 1.5lbs, so now down to 16st 5.5lbs! I feel so good for actually having lost some weight for once, and for seeing the results of all my hard work! I'm just hoping I can keep it up, and that I managed to make another loss next week. I've been sticking to the diet, and trying to keep up with the exercise, so hoping for good things to happen!

I'm sort of worried that when I go back to work I'll end up losing my new found motivation to go to the gym, I really hope it won't, but the long hours and the stress of everyone getting to me makes me lazy. I guess I just have to fight through it and try and do as much exercise as I can, then once I get into a routine I should be able to do it a lot easier.

I found that I can still do 2 aqua classes on tuesday and thursday evenings and another on a sunday evening so I won't have to give that up, which I think will be a big help, I need something regular to keep me focused.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Excercising, Sneak peaks and pre weigh in jitters

So I'm on holiday this week, it's one of the perks of working in a secondary school, getting the holidays off. Last week my best friend Daniel came down and we had a good time, went to stay at a nice hotel in Bournemouth, and as we were on holiday, we ate pretty badly! Cooked breakfasts every morning, 3 course dinners in the evening, and lots of snacks! I decided that I was going to do that and then as soon as he'd gone, I'd draw a line under it!

I had a bit of a slack day on saturday but I hit the ground running and stuck to the diet from sunday morning, other than a bar of choc mum bought back, but I'd been to the gym and had about 10 points spare so I don't think it hit me too much. But since then I've stuck to it, weighed and counted everything, and I'm proud of myself for doing so, because I often struggle!

But, and I know I shouldn't, but I've been sneak peeking at my weight every morning, excited to see how much I've lost, and sadly the numbers aren't coming down like I was hoping.

Because I'm on holiday I'm giving it a major push with the exercise, I have the motivation to go to the gym because I'm not exhausted from work, and I'm pushing myself, whilst at the same tme sticking to the diet.

I'm really hoping for a loss this week, or at least an STS, I know I didn't weigh last week which will mess everything up slightly, and the fact I ate a lot on holiday still needs to be taken into consideration, but I've been struggling for weeks to lose anything, and I REALLY need a loss to get me back on track.

A few weeks ago I tracked and counted everything all week and went to the gym, but ended up staying the same, and I was crushed, especially because my mum managed to lose, it was only the second time I've cried at a WI, but I was really frustrated, and almost felt like giving up, and I'm worried that the same is going to happen this week.

I've also dropped my points as I'm not working so not so active during the day, and I'm really hoping for something good, I so need it this week! I've been stuck in this 16 and a half stone rutt for so long and I just want out of it!

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Dating sites and other musings

So I've recently joined another dating site again, against my better judgement. I've had a bit of a love hate relationship with them over the years, when I was younger I relied on them, but that was when I was in the 14st bracket and about 18 and I looked a lot better than I do now!

The main reason I joined is because at the end of this month I'll have been single for 3 years, and that fact kills me. I've had flings ever since, but nothing serious, and nothing for the last 8 months, and when I was sitting with my best friend Daniel (pictured above) I realised how much I miss the closeness of having someone else and being in a relationship.

Now the main problem I have with dating sites is this: the first picture is the sort of picture I'd post on a dating site, and the second is a more realistic view of what I look like. Admittedly the top picture is about a year old but it's the best example I have of me being dolled up and taking pictures in more flattering angles. I don't know about anyone else but I personally don't want to put 'bad' pictures of me up, and therein lies the problem.

It makes for a bit of a dilema, if I put a realistic picture of me up I know nobody would even be interested, but if I put one of the better angled pictures up then I get men talking to me left right and centre, but I know inside I'm misleading them, and then when I get to meet them in real life and they see the real me, they are often disappointed and sometimes annoyed, and I can't say I blame them. It's frustrating when you meet someone in real life who is nothing like you thought they'd be.

But now I've been talking to a lovely guy from nearby, and he's asking to see more pictures (he's only seen the top one) and I'm faced with a choice. Part of me is thinking I should take some realistic pictures so he can see 'all' of me, but then if he rejects me I'm going to feel crushed, or I can keep stretching the truth and risk losing him if I ever met him.

I'm thinking maybe I should just give up with the sites again, until I've lost a bit more weight and feel more comfortable with my appearance, but at the same time I really want to meet someone, not necessarily in real life but just someone to talk to, to feel wanted and special, even if it's not in real life just yet.

The problem is I'd show him the real pictures and explain I'm in the middle of losing weight, but 9 times out of 10 a man wouldn't care about that, and I know it's true that if he can't like me for who I am he's not worth it, but at the same time the rejection is the last thing I need when I'm so lonely as it is.

I just don't know what to do any more, and I'm not really looking for answers from anyone, I just needed to get it all off my chest.