Catching up on the last few weeks!

So, I finally did it! Yes finally, last week I finally managed to crack the stone barrier, and I'm now finally down into the 15's! I actually managed to hit 15st 12lbs on the scales, so not only did I manage to break the stone barrier, I reached my 10%!

I'm so thrilled to finally be below 16st, I've been pushing to get down since I first got into the 16s in August last year! I just wish I had pulled my finger out earlier! But I lost another half a pound this week, which I'm really pleased about considering I had a few slips this week, but I'm feeling focused again now!

So looking at my next goal, I would absolutely love it to be below 15st before my birthday, to be in the 14's would be the best birthday present I could ever give myself! I've got 8 weigh ins left before my birthday, and to get into the 14's I'd now need to lose 12lbs at least! I think it sounds manageable, if I try and stick to losing an average of 2lbs a week!

I'm already planning my birthday, my friend Kim and I are going up to London for the day. My plan is to buy a gorgeous new outfit to wear when we go out back in Portsmouth that evening, and getting down to a size 18 would be awesome. I'm not really sure what size I am at the moment, but as long as whatever I choose looks good, I guess it doesn't matter!

So I'm trying to stay focused and motivated, and take each week at a time, rather than looking at the massive picture. I think when I set targets I put more pressure on myself, so in a way I'm trying not to think about my birthday, and just try for the 2lbs a week I need.

Times aren't so good, but I carry on, because I've got no choice.

Feeling left behind

Yesterday I caught up with a few old friends. Firstly my friend Katie who I've known since I was at college, I went over to Portsmouth and met up with her. She's got a gorgeous little boy called Max, who is now 7 months old. I freely admit I feel so jealous! I'd love to have a little baby of my own, but it's somewhere that I'm really not within my life at the moment.

And then in the evening I went to my friend Toni's wedding. When I was at secondary school Toni was my best friend, we were thick as thieves for years! She was always very quiet though, whereas I was more outgoing, maybe because of my weight issues, I don't know. But in the last few years she's really developed and she's so confident and outgoing, and stunning to look at! She looked absolutely amazing, and her husband is really good looking, and I'm so pleased she's happy, she deserves to be, but I can't help but again be totally jealous.

Pretty much all of my friends have babies or husbands or partners and hardly any of them live at home, and then there's me.

I still live at home with my mother, I've been single for over 3 years and I'm not even close to being happy with my life.

I feel like my friends are all adults with proper lives and responsibilities and I'm no better off than I was back at school, still in pretty much the same situation.

Granted I've got the education not all of my friends have, but it hasn't really helped as far as getting a job is concerned, and I just feel useless.

So I went on that date...

First of all I realise I haven't done an update after my weigh in, but that will come eventually!

I went on that date on friday with the cadet I had previously mentioned, we just went to a pub in Southampton. It didn't start well because I was half an hour late due to my lack of organisation and traffic issues!

He seemed nice enough and we got on pretty well, conversation flowed pretty well although towards the end there were quite a few awkward silences. About 9pm (I'd been there an hour and a half) he said he didn't want to stay too much longer as he had course work to do, but I happened to notice he'd been not so secretly looking at his phone before he told me this, so chances are he'd had a better offer.

So I left and went home, pretty unsure as to how it all went. We got on, but it lacked the spark I was hoping for. I decided to just send him a text saying thanks and that I'd had a good time and see what happened from there, it's now been a day and a half since, and no reply, so I guess that is the end of that!

In the long run it's probably for the best it didn't work out, I can't cope with anything long distance, and I'd have struggled waiting 6 months for him to come back to work things out, but part of me is just a little bit gutted that he didn't reply to my text. Not because I wanted anything more from him, but to feel just a little bit wanted, like that he wasn't totally repulsed by me.

I have deleted my dating profile, and don't intend to go back on there until I am at least in the 14's, I can't face going through all the uncertainty of whether or not a man can cope with my weight, and I'd rather wait until I have a bit more confidence in myself.

I have learnt some valuable lessons from this, that I am stronger than to get too upset and consumed by one man who clearly isn't right for me, and that I can keep hold of my dignity. In the past I have been all too quick to jump into bed with men I meet on the internet and living to regret it, but I feel a great sense of pride that I have grown up from that and I have a lot more self respect.

Ugh men!

So I was supposed to be going on a date with this cadet on sunday, which I was already feeling somewhat skeptical about due to the fact he's off to sea soon and won't be back for about 6 months, and I want a long term relationship with someone I can spend a lot of time with, and I don't think that I could cope very well being with someone who spends vast amounts of time away, I'm just far too jealous and possessive, I know it's bad but I am, and I just can't do it!

In any case I was having trouble making arrangements about when and where to meet, he was being a bit illusive, and wouldn't give me a time or place. And then low and behold he text me on saturday night saying he needed to cancel. His excuse was that he'd heard his friend's long term boyfriend had been cheating on her and he needed to go and make sure she was OK.

I was pretty annoyed because I was looking forward to it, and his pretty flippant attitude about it, which he has carried on with since.

My friends are all telling me to give him another chance, but I'm just angry and I feel like I deserve so much better than anything I'll get from him, he doesn't seem to want to fight for me, I'll be trying to talk to him via text and he'll just say goodbye.

I just don't know what to do!

WI Result - 29/4/10 and a few other updates!

Right so this week at WI I managed to lose 2lbs! Pretty pleased with that as it's taking me one step closer to getting out of the dreaded 16's! I'm down to 16st 3lbs which is half a pound away from my 1 and a half stone, and a pound away from what I was before christmas, the lowest I've been since I was about 21! I'm really pushing for it, and I know I'm going to be celebrating big time when I finally manage to break through into the 15's! I remember the last time I was in the 15's, and I'd just turned 21, so I'm hoping to be back into the 15's or dare I say it even into the 14's by my 24th birthday at the end of July!

I'm keeping up with the exercise which is definitely helping, and I've asked mum to start taking photos of me, so I can keep a more accurate track of the loss.

As far as the guy goes, I was pleased to see that he still wants to meet up, and thanked me for telling him. He also said it was good that I was doing something about my weight, as most people wouldn't, which sort of spurred me on.

The only problem is I'm not sure if I want to meet him any more! He's a cadet in the merchant navy, so will be spending vast amounts of time away, and I'm not sure if I can cope with that. We've arranged to meet up on sunday but part of me is wondering whether I should bother or not. I'm scared I'm going to really like him and have to make a decision about whether or not I can wait for him. He's going away in 3 weeks time, so I won't even have a long time to get to know him. Because I've been single so long part of me thinks it's better not to bother and carry on being single and wait for someone who can be with me a lot more often than he can. I just don't know! I guess I'll have to meet him and see what happens!

Taken a huge risk

So I've been talking to a guy online that I met on an online dating site for a few weeks. I've been getting on really well with him, we seem to understand each other and have a lot in common. A week or two ago he asked me to meet up with him, and I said no. I said no because as already mentioned the picture on my profile is a nice one, and I don't want to turn up looking like me and for him to be disappointed.

But he seems to be a bit persistant and asked me again last night. I'm really starting to feel a connection with him, so it left me with a bit of a dilema. I didn't want to meet him with him thinking I'll look exactly like my photo, as it's not really doing either of us any favours, and I'd really hate to be misled so I felt it was best to be open with him and explain I'm overweight.

So I finally plucked up the courage and told him that I've got a weight problem but that I'm sorting it with exercise. I wanted to use it apart from anything else as a getout clause for him, so that if fat people aren't his thing he doesn't have to go through the awkwardness of meeting me and being disappointed.

I really hope he'll see the person past the weight, but I'm trying to be realistic and brace myself for the fact he won't be interested.

It's hard because this is the first time in a long time I've put my heart on the line, but if I don't take risks I won't ever get what I want!

Watch this space I guess...